The title speaks for itself.
I have dark thoughts of everything. I can’t shake this feeling of being sad. I feel scared of everything. Every time I feel like I am making some progress, something sets me back. I have never felt so scared of every goddam little thing.
AND I hate everyone else too… I hate my mom for taking me in and pretending I’m fine. I hate my sister for moving into a place with her roommates. I hate my dad for going on trips and leaving me to deal with my crazy mother. I hate my ex for being understanding and so willing to apologize. I hate my coworkers for being loud. I hate the man I’m dating for trying to cheer me up. I hate my friends for not speaking up in my defense against an asshole internet bully.
But I hate myself the most for being weak, for hurting people, for causing damage, for not being grateful, for trying to move on etc.
I feel guilt still. It just wont go away. No matter how many prescriptions I get. No matter how many therapist appointments I have. No matter how many glasses of wine I drink. I feel guilty. I hurt someone I loved and I will never be able to fix it or help or make that pain better for him.
Is this the sum of my life? Will I hurt myself and others until the day I die? Will I live each day with an uphill climb that never ends? Will I wake up trying to fill this void with joy only to have it leak out in the night?
I wanted to do more and to mean more. I wanted to make an imprint on the world or help make it a better place. Instead, I became my mother. I hurt the people I love and push everyone away. That is my inheritance.
This all sounds very dramatic but I don’t care. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow.