Today, I hate myself.

The title speaks for itself.

I have dark thoughts of everything.  I can’t shake this feeling of being sad.  I feel scared of everything.  Every time I feel like I am making some progress, something sets me back.  I have never felt so scared of every goddam little thing.

AND I hate everyone else too… I hate my mom for taking me in and pretending I’m fine.  I hate my sister for moving into a place with her roommates.  I hate my dad for going on trips and leaving me to deal with my crazy mother.  I hate my ex for being understanding and so willing to apologize.  I hate my coworkers for being loud.  I hate the man I’m dating for trying to cheer me up.  I hate my friends for not speaking up in my defense against an asshole internet bully.

But I hate myself the most for being weak, for hurting people, for causing damage, for not being grateful, for trying to move on etc.

I feel guilt still.  It just wont go away.  No matter how many prescriptions I get.  No matter how many therapist appointments I have.  No matter how many glasses of wine I drink.  I feel guilty.  I hurt someone I loved and I will never be able to fix it or help or make that pain better for him.

Is this the sum of my life?  Will I hurt myself and others until the day I die?  Will I live each day with an uphill climb that never ends?  Will I wake up trying to fill this void with joy only to have it leak out in the night?

I wanted to do more and to mean more.  I wanted to make an imprint on the world or help make it a better place.  Instead, I became my mother.  I hurt the people I love and push everyone away.  That is my inheritance.

This all sounds very dramatic but I don’t care.  Maybe I will feel better tomorrow.

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