The weekend started out weird. Well it started out as a semi guilt spiral of shame.
Important Background Info: I started seeing someone in January. He lives in New York and when we see each other he usually comes to PA to visit for a weekend. Its kind of nice because I’m not really “ready” for a relationship. But at the same time, it’s nice having someone like you and take you out and stuff like that. So when he leaves, I can reset and think about life and all the bullshit and depression and anything else. But when he visits, it’s a little bit of a break from the real world.
I’m trying to keep the whole “relationship” very low key. Not only is it very soon after my break up with my husband but its also just a weird situation. I like him and we get along great but it doesn’t stop me from missing my ex. It doesn’t make that pain go away. And it feels like I’m not being fair to myself or the boyfriend or the ex. I swear some days it feels like I have bi-polar.
My ex and I have also been talking via text. There is so much hurt between us that we aren’t ready to talk on the phone. But the conversations have been going kind of well. It’s nice to have that little bit of a relationship with him without it dissolving into a fight. It sucks because it makes me miss the old times… or I’m glorifying the old times… not sure. We talk about mundane things like work and the weather. But we also are trying (as cautiously as possible) to discuss how our relationship fell apart. Its so hard. It brings up a lot of feelings that I’ve been trying to not address outside of therapy. I start remembering the bad times or the fights. But also, I don’t want to hurt my ex even more. I feel like I am one careless comment away from him blowing up on me, on himself or on anyone and I don’t want to hurt him anymore.
On Friday, we were talking about me dropping Ike (our dog) off at his apartment for the weekend. It was nice and I’m sure he misses the dog. However, the boyfriend was in from New York. I wanted to give the ex a heads up that he would be with me. Once I did, the ex said he didn’t want to see Ike anymore. He mentioned that he wanted to use this opportunity to talk in person and with the boyfriend there, he wouldn’t be able to.
I felt so bad. I felt like shit. I mean… I wanted to scream and cry. Here I go, hurting him again. Making plans for him to see the dog and potentially talk about some shit in person and I feel like I just screwed it up again. Just like everything… I just screw it all up.
It made the weekend weird. I couldn’t get out of my head. Its a good thing we saw our friends in Pittsburgh on Saturday cuz at least then we had something to do and not focus on why I was “so quiet”.
On Sunday, when I got back to my moms (I spent the night at my friends house) it was like walking into a war zone. My mom and dad were fighting. I know that sounds crazy being a 30 year old complaining about her parents fighting, but it was really bad. Both my parents are recovering alcoholics and they both have a temper… I saw my mom drinking and crying and my dad left for a work trip early so he didn’t have to be near my mom. It sucked really bad. It made me feel so helpless and worthless when my mom was telling me what the fight was about. Her asking me for advice on what she should do and I just don’t have any answers…
So I left… I couldn’t deal. I went to a friends house and we watched movies. I fell asleep on the couch and went home really late and my mom was already asleep so I didn’t have to talk to her. I’m dreading going home from work today. I don’t want to have to hear about the fight.
Anyway, I’m not in a great mood. Feeling alone and sad but also like I can’t do anything right.