Lost things…

I used to read a lot.  Like many things in my life, I feel like I lost that.  My self identity was a “reader”.  It’s not glamorous but it was my thing.  Since November I may have finished one book.  Going from finishing a book every two days to finishing a book in 4 months, that’s just insane.

Books and the stories used to excite me and draw me in.  They used to give me a sense of adventure.  But now, every time I sit down to read, I can’t focus or the story doesn’t pull me in.  For a while I thought it might be that I didn’t like the author or that I wasn’t connecting with the main character.  Really though, the problem was with me.

I don’t know why but I can’t read anymore.

I’ve been listening to a lot of audio books and there has been a little success there but I usually lose interest in the story and go back to listening to music or a podcast.  Does this mean I’m broken?

Sometimes I feel like I’m a container that has lots of cracks in it.  I keep trying to fill it with water to fill myself up but it all leaks out.  I find momentary joy in things but long term it just goes away.  When did those cracks start?  Months ago?  Years ago?  I don’t know.  It makes me want to scream!!  Why can’t I just be happy!?!?  Why can’t I find joy in the things I once loved?!?!

I get so frustrated with myself.  I can see the people around me getting frustrated as well.  If I could “fix” myself, I would.  I don’t want to be like this anymore.  I don’t want to be the one with a fake smile and sad eyes.  I want to be better.

I decided that I will try to be better… I’m going to read “Daughter of the Forrest” again.  It’s my favorite book.  I’ve read it at least 10 times over the years.  If I can connect with anything, it’s that book.

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