So its been a while since I wrote anything. I kind of don’t care… I went into a dark place in February. So I started seeing a therapist but the ones that can prescribe drugs. She put me on Pristiq. Its been helping actually but the side effects are weird.
Side effects include:
- increased or excessive sweating,
- dry mouth
- sleep problems (insomnia),
- loss of appetite,
- tightness in your jaw,
- weight loss,
- blurred vision,
- decreased sex drive,
I pretty much have all of them. The worst is the nervousness. I was already a nervous person but now its pushed into the “hypertension” side of things. Basically it feels like I drank 5 cups of coffee and have the jitters but 10:00 at night. Other than the side effects though, it really seems to be working.
I am way lest temperamental with people. I can get thru most days without breaking down. I am less fixated on the “bad” in my life. Its a slow road to “recovery” but I guess you have to start somewhere… that somewhere for me is 50mg of Pristiq.
Talking with a therapist is also super fucking weird… the only people who know about it is my mom, my sister and my ex. I don’t know why I feel like I need to hide it… probably because I’m trying very hard to pretend I’m ok around people. Anyway, my therapist basically told me that I need to forgive myself. That I need to stop feeling so much “self hatred”. Addressing what happened and why I feel so much guilt is supposed to help.
So lets talk about guilt for a minute. More than any other feeling I feel guilt. I feel guilt over how I broke up with my ex, not trying harder, jumping into a new relationship I wasn’t ready for, how much I’ve hurt my ex, how my actions now still effect him… So many things to feel guilty about. I have other emotions too like a sense of loss, sadness, anger, depression, a vague sense of ennui, remorse, etc. But that guilt man, its the metaphorical boulder I’m pushing uphill. It colors my actions, it effects how I think and react. It sucks!
The medicine helps, therapy sort of helps, not thinking about it helps… but its still there. I have a feeling its gonna be there for a while.