Let me just say, going down from two incomes (especially when your spouse made almost double what you did) to one is one of the hardest things you can do. Like Oh My God!!! Even staying with my mother rent free, I am still struggling. And the crazy part about this is I’m not even doing anything fun… just paying my goddam bills.
Its weird and it sucks and I can’t help thinking that I should have stayed with him and that this was a mistake. That’s pretty shitty of me because money shouldn’t be a motivating factor to stay with someone. I’m only human I suppose. I can have days where I’m a mess and wish things turned out differently even for the wrong reasons.
So today I had to text my ex. A part of our divorce agreement was to complete our taxes for the year we were still married. He agreed to send the necessary information to me but I hadn’t received it. I sent him a gentle reminder.
Communicating with him in any way is so frustrating!!! And not for the reasons you would think. He is 100% delightful and willing to work with me. Like is this on purpose? Are you trying to make me miss you and the good times? Are you glad I left and just want rid of me? He’s probably just trying to be polite but my brain goes to some crazy places. As soon as he is polite I want to ask him about his day, how work is going, does he want to see the dog etc…. AND I END UP DOING IT. Then I feel like the break up is fresh and it kills me the rest of the day.
There is no flow to this post… just a morbid sense of depression. I feel like shit. I feel like I want the world to swallow me whole. I feel like I miss my ex. I miss our lives. I miss the security that being with him offered. I miss not worrying all the time about where my life was going. I miss the reliability of the drab and the sameness of our relationship. I miss our conversations. I just miss him. Today is a bad day.